Shame, Perfectionism and the Inner Critic

Shame, Perfectionism and the Inner Critic

A Pluralistic Psychodynamic Approach to Self-Criticism and Emotional Distress

Many people come to therapy describing anxiety, burnout, difficulties in relationships, or a persistent sense of not being good enough. Often, beneath these struggles sit three closely linked experiences: perfectionism, shame, and a harsh inner critic.

These patterns are rarely random. They are usually shaped by early relational experience and carried forward into adult life, where they continue to organise how a person relates to themselves and to others.

As a pluralistic therapist working through a psychodynamic lens, I understand these difficulties not as personal failings, but as meaningful adaptations. Therapy becomes a place to understand how these patterns developed, what function they once served, and whether they are still needed in the same way now.

Understanding Perfectionism Psychodynamically

Perfectionism is often misunderstood as simply having high standards. In practice, it is more commonly driven by fear —

fear of criticism, rejection, exposure, or emotional withdrawal.

Many people learned early on that being competent, compliant, or emotionally contained was a way of staying safe in relationships. From a psychodynamic perspective, perfectionism frequently develops in environments where love, approval, or attention felt conditional.

Over time, the pressure to “get it right” becomes internalised. Even when no one else is watching, the demand remains. Rest can feel unsafe. Mistakes can feel intolerable. The self is constantly monitored.

While perfectionism may once have protected attachment or reduced conflict, in adult life it often leads to chronic anxiety, emotional exhaustion, and difficulties in relationships. Therapy offers a space to explore where these standards came from and how they continue to operate internally.

Shame: The Emotional Core Beneath Self-Criticism

Shame is one of the most powerful and least named experiences in psychotherapy. Rather than feeling that something is wrong,

shame creates the sense that I am wrong.

It often develops in early relationships marked by criticism, misattunement, emotional intrusion, or withdrawal.

Psychodynamically, shame is relational in origin.

It forms when a child’s emotional experience is not held or understood and instead becomes something to hide, manage, or suppress.

Over time, this experience is internalised and carried forward as part of the self.

In adult life, shame may appear as withdrawal, people-pleasing, emotional numbing, or a persistent sense of exposure.

Many people struggle with shame without realising how strongly it is shaping their inner world.

Therapy allows shame to become thinkable — not as a defect, but as a response to earlier relational conditions.

The Inner Critic as an Internalised Relationship

The inner critic is often the voice through which shame and perfectionism operate. From a psychodynamic perspective, this voice can be understood as an internalised relational presence rather than an objective truth.

It reflects earlier dynamics in which self-monitoring reduced risk or preserved connection. For some, the inner critic developed as a way of anticipating external criticism. For others, it functioned to maintain attachment by suppressing needs or emotions that felt unwelcome.

In therapy, we explore when the inner critic becomes most active. It often intensifies in moments of vulnerability, dependency, or uncertainty.

Recognising these patterns helps shift the critic from an unquestioned authority into something contextual and historically shaped.

The Therapeutic Relationship as a Place of Change

In pluralistic psychodynamic therapy, these patterns do not exist only as ideas — they emerge within the therapeutic relationship itself.

Clients may worry about being judged, feel exposed when speaking, or fear disappointing the therapist.

These moments are not problems to fix; they are central to the work.

By paying close attention to how perfectionism, shame, and self-criticism show up in the room, therapy offers a different relational experience.

Over time, expectations shaped by earlier relationships can soften. Mistakes do not lead to humiliation.

Needs do not result in withdrawal. This lived experience is often more transformative than insight alone.

A Pluralistic Approach: Working on Multiple Levels

A pluralistic approach recognises that no single way of working is sufficient. Alongside psychodynamic exploration, therapy may involve noticing embodied responses to shame, identifying recurring relational patterns, and developing greater emotional tolerance.

The aim is not to eliminate these experiences, but to reduce their dominance.

As shame becomes more thinkable, perfectionism often loses its urgency. As the inner critic becomes contextual, self-attack softens.

What emerges is not carelessness, but flexibility — an increased capacity to tolerate imperfection, uncertainty, and emotional closeness.

When to Seek Therapy

You may benefit from therapy if you:

• feel driven by perfectionism or fear of failure

• experience chronic self-criticism or internal pressure

• struggle with shame, exposure, or feeling “not enough”

• find relationships emotionally demanding or unsafe

• feel exhausted by constantly managing yourself

Therapy offers a space to understand these patterns rather than battle them. Over time, many people experience a quieter but profound shift in how they relate to themselves and others.

How I Work

I work pluralistically, with a psychodynamic foundation. Therapy is tailored to the individual, while paying close attention to relational patterns,

early experience, and what unfolds between us in the room. The work is collaborative, reflective, and paced according to what feels manageable.

Therapy does not promise to remove shame or self-criticism entirely. It offers something more realistic and more sustainable: different internal relationship — one with less attack, more stability, and greater emotional freedom.